what I never said, vol. 1
(secrets)
somewhere
(maybe)
there is a place where (I) am in love.
you take care of me and all I
(want) is (to) be with you forever.
and I’d (die) before waking up without you.
pieces
as you fell apart
staring at the back of my car
I realized it’s easier to be the one who leaves
and the hardest to be the one who stays.
crash
I knew it was coming
I saw the headlights
that doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt like hell
oxygen
laughing with you feels like breathing —
I am deprived
I am desperate
I am dependent
nevermind
everything was fine
I had a plan
to tell you about him
but then you showed up at my doorstep
with the promise of pizza.
inevitable
I am going to fall in love with you
and then
in a few months when I leave for the rest of my life
and we part —
because you and I both know
you’ll never leave this place —
it is going to break my heart.
skittles
I gave you the
oranges, yellows, greens
and you ate them while I only ate the
reds, purples.
a month later, I came home to a bag with just
reds, purples
and a tupperware of
oranges, yellows, greens.
and I learned that
sweetness
does not just come in candy.
midnight
it’s what the night will do to you:
leave you longing for memories that should be stored
deep within the vaults of your brain.
leave you remembering words said in heated moments
when your bodies were tangled like grape vines.
leave you thinking about the ways you used to say his name
and the way he used to look into your eyes
infinity
cycles are hard to break
that’s why circles
don’t end
eviction
there was a day
or three
where we didn’t leave bed
where we would watch
your favorite movies
from your stacks of dvds
where we would get
coffee and donuts
and order pizza
but now my name has left your mind
and I am left
wondering.
2:31am, unsent
“I’m gonna say something and you don’t have to respond, you don’t even have to care but I can’t stop thinking about it and I need to get it off my chest or I’ll go crazy. ok. I miss talking to you. I miss the possibility that was in our conversations, and I hate that you inadvertently placed yourself into my head. I also hate that you were right about what happened and I hate that you don’t care that I can’t stop thinking about you.”
bright
you ran so quickly into my life
I almost missed you
but then you stayed,
and the darkness didn’t seem so dark anymore.
missing
I hope
one day
you find
that thing
that you’ve been
looking for
that thing
you couldn’t find
with me.
circles
nights with you make me think of days with you which make me think of nights with you which make me think of —
forgotten
I leave
your toothbrush
in the bathroom
just in case
you decide
to come back.
I didn’t know
you’d be gone
for so long.
I didn’t know
you’d never
come back.
stains
makeup
tears
and me
standstill
we’re borrowing time from a broken clock,
we don’t realize time has stopped
because we’re not paying attention,
we see what we want to see
the big hand stops where we tell it to
the little hand ticks as fast as we tell it to.
but the fact is:
our borrowed time
is borrowed too.
lessons
it is okay to do what you want
it is okay to want to feel
it is okay to put up walls
or be vulnerable.
we all must go through hell to find the surface.
arson
we were
a fire that burned a city to the ground.
the embers were our skins touching
the heat was our souls finding each other
torching every single body that came between us.
you let me burn, bright and glowing
told me I outshone all the stars in the night sky
but then you told me to put my flames out
now I’m here, after you’ve gone
trying to rekindle myself.
and I’m thinking
we might’ve burned the wrong city down.